Sunday, September 19, 2010

Baby Steps

I've painted the guest room/nursery!! It was a huge step for me, that room was a nightmare to behold, stripes and dots of every hot color known to man. Orange, pink purple and green. I literally felt anxious every time I opened the door to that room. I was told to try the Behr Ultra Premium Plus paint, but I didn't think they could help us. I had picked the color for that room a long time ago, a soothing, grey/blue/purple color...there was no way that was going on easy. So, while in Home Depot one day, I decided to pick up a tester. I came home and put some on every wall...holy cow!!! It actually covered and covered well...in ONE COAT! I could not believe it! This still did not inspire me to paint. I think in some way, shape or form, I have been putting it off because I know that eventually this room will be our next nursery. Psychologically, the stripes and dots and even the neon colors were symbolic of issues that I have been dealing with emotionally in avoiding the birth of our next child. Josh has been wanting a baby pretty much since Gabriel was born and has been steadily pressuring me to become pregnant since then. I have been steadily avoiding the issue. He's fantastic with children...me, not so much. I have little to no patience, zero tolerance and snap at the drop of a hat...well...maybe this is a slight exaggeration, but I feel like this a lot of the time. We have been blessed with a very intelligent child and while this is an enormous blessing, I think that I expect way too much of him at times and I often forget that he's just 3!!! Take this morning's mommy craziness for example: we told Gabriel he was not allowed to paint yesterday, so while I was doing my devotional and Gabriel was supposed to be eating breakfast and watching cartoons (as is the norm every other day) he was upstairs, opening a paint can (yes, you read right), he came back downstairs and got the paint edger, went back up and poured the paint into a tray and painted more onto the wall. There is now...soothing grey/blue/purple paint on our white carpet as well as the white baseboards and trim. I am on the porch completely oblivious to these antics thinking to myself that my son sure is being awfully patient with me this morning and I will have to reward him by taking him to the park! HA! We will not go into my reaction or the way I had to repent and apologize quickly thereafter. And this is all within 30 seconds of my devotions!!!

On another note, Josh and I did have a very candid conversation about my fears regarding motherhood and becoming a new mom for the second time. He was very supportive and I am hopeful that things will be better with the next baby. That being said, still with a lot of butterflies I will go to see my neurologist on the 27th to discuss coming down from my Topamax(Huge step for me)...I cannot become pregnant while on this drug due to the harmful side effects for the baby and I am hoping that my headaches will not go crazy while I'm off it. Please be in prayer for me while I'm coming off and during. Pray for me to have peace as a mother, the fears that all of us face when raising our children and the lies that the devil feeds to us...that we're not doing a good job or that we're not giving enough of ourselves to our family. Pray that I will have control over my thoughts and I will be patient, kind and gentle when dealing with Gabriel. I am moving closer to Baby #2...in due time...LOL!